definately "very busy" these few days. couldnt find a time when im in the right mood to update my blog. seriously, now when i have the mood, i donno what to blog about. 

since back frm taiwan, it's all about work. but im quite happy at work thou. i love working with ppl who help around genuinely. many of them are just the old staffs, n they are just so countable. sad to say, ppl who dont still exist. the ward im working at seems to be flooding in quite a no. of new staffs. n im really hoping that the "inconsiderate act" n the "bad practice" doesnt spread like how H1N1 do globally. hence, i believe, tt is why the preceptors are so impt being the role model! the correct kind. =p  i love my job, n i love to make my patients look clean n feels good. esp those bed ridden patients. tt's of course, if i were given the time to. it's really satisfying! 

recently, many of the patients arent doing good post marrow transplant. many din make it. many made thru but subsequently relapse or deteriorate with post transplant complications. it's always depressing whenever the familiar faces of the transplanted pt warded with relapse. n felt terribly upset for those who left not much time to see the beautiful world. talked to one of them just last week. i could feel his fear n lost. but the last sentence that you must never relate to them is "i understand how you feel", because u can never understand unless ur in their shoes. n i tot i said something "wrong" to him too. which i felt terribly guilty. =( as i talked to his wife that few days back, my eyes always filled up with tears when she teared. she said she felt heart pain, whenever she sees him lying on his bed, knowing tt he would leave her soon. all i could tell her, is to spend all her time with him till his last moments. suffer no more! 

another patient whom im quite close to, she's still in icu. it's been 3weeks since i last talked to her. tt's when she was still conscious, still able to talk to me. i'm very glad i saw her tt day n gave her a hp accessory that i bought from taiwan. tt smile on her face, when she received the small gift, i'll never forget! i regretted alot, not being brave enough to give her a hug before i leave. i remembered, i was trying so hard to hold my tears when i visited her 3 weeks back. tt's why, i chose not to hug her, as i know my tears would just flow uncontrollably if i had tt courage to do that. BUT IM TOTALLY REGRETTING IT! =( gal, listen up! i know it's very hard, but u have to pull thru, for dr hwang's efforts, for u mummy's tears n love, for ur brother/dad, ur supportive friends, n of course, for the nurses who want you back! 

uncle isnt doing gd. it spreads. enoch is only 4 months old. why? it's upsetting to know that uncle chose to wait for the day. it's more disappointing to hear frm him that the doctors din spend time explaining stuffs thoroughly. why din uncle met a doctor lik dr linn or hwang? 

i need to see alot of miracles, really really. 

2 days back, visited my grandaunt (my granddad's sister) in SGH 76. she was admitted for elective TKR due to severe OA. i was so worried she wont recognise me, because we hardly meet, like once a year? ya n indeed, she dont. =p but she was really happy to see me when i addressed her "lao gu" (old aunt in teochew i suppose). she held my hands tightly, n asked me in teochew "who's daughter are you?". she could only converse in teochew with minimal mandarin. n sadly, i could only understand minimal teochew. so, it's kinda talking with hands n legs, like chicken n ducks talking. (haha! nah.. im not that bad in my teochew ok! still able to understand 40% la). eventually, after much efforts, she finally know who's my dad n hw am i related to her. we talked like im her granddaughter n she's my grandma lorh! very sweet n loving. hee. then suddenly, out of no where, her eldest daughter marched into her cubicle. omg. a DAMN FIERCE n LOUD 38 AUNTY! i never seen her before! laogu has 9 children all in all, i onli knew it when i was chatting with her minutes ago den. due to the H1N1, visitors restrictions applies to all patients. n because tt, the fierce aunty happened not to be in her visitor nomination list. (max. only 8 visitors each pt) she was the "non highly educated" kind - her mandarin was half past six, but her teochew n malay language was marvelous! she was yelling in teochew at laogu at her top of her voice in the 6bedded cubicles during visiting hours. the yellings captured all the eyes of the surroundings. i seriously donno how to react n i was like desperately wanting to dig a hole to hide. as far as i could understand frm the yellings, tt was tt aunty's 2nd visit to the hospital to visit laogu. n because she's nt in the nomination list, she faced the same problem she had few days back at the visitor screening booth. the staffs there din allow her to visit laogu simply because of the rules. n i suppose, her character somehow fought her way thru the booth n finally n definately, she won the "verbal fight" against the screening staffs. bt after the "fight", it boiled her blood to 100degree celcius. which den "scalded" laogu n indirectly, "scalded" me as well. i felt extreme heart pain for laogu, for being screamed at in front of so many strangers, by her own blood-related daughter! seriously felt terrible!!!! so much that i wanna cry lorh! n after some short conversation with her, it seems that she doesnt like my grandma n granddad. she tried telling me why but was interrupted by laogu, n i could see that laogu was very frustrated. she was saying in teochew, "why are you telling a small gal this for??". she emphasized to me that she doesnt have any relatives n only MONEY is her relative. she also commented that if laogu isnt her mother, she wouldnt even wanna step into such a "bad luck" place. that aunty's high pitched n loud voice was so disturbing that it actually resulted in the next un-resolvable problem for me. this indian pt 1 bed away frm laogu raised her voice in english to invite her out of the cubicle/hospital as she was obviously disturbing to everyone. n to my surprise, tt 38aunty scolded her back in malay!!!! which i only understand the word "mati'. another verbal fight started within the cubicle itself. n this time, it brought the attention of the ward sister n the hospital security staffs. i tried simmering down that 38aunty, it somehow helped, bt doesnt reverse the situation. what said was alrd said. after the ward sister talked to the indian pt, she talked to me, n i translated to her. they requested her to apologise to the pt but her immediate reaction upon the word apologise struck her eardrum, she jumped in anger n turned to the indian pt n said something in malay agn which had the "mati" word in it AGAIN! n she left without leaving any clue for me on what i should do next. she's so unreasonable! she left me totally blank! the atmosphere was super awkward. the ward sister gave me the "you better settle this matter" look. i dont even know that crazy woman, i've never seen her before, n how am i gonna settle such problem??!!! SIGH! bt lucky, thanks to the amt of teochew tt i understood, i recalled tt laogu was telling me earlier on tt the daughter n her family tt she was staying with would visit her daily. hence, i passed the problem over to her blood related granddaughter who came 15mins after the whole incident. although i was relieved that i wouldnt have to settle such problem, but i definately felt really heart pain for poor laogu. she was there after her op, still in pain physically, yet den have to suffer emotion pain as well. i felt so upset that i went home, n cried really badly to my parents when i relate the whole incident to them. i just hope laogu will be alright. tt's the most impt. count on my luck, for bumping into her eldest unreasonable daughter while visiting her. shuck!

anyway, celebrated qz's bday last sat with her church mates. n we planned to join their big big sports event cum competition coming july or august! wa! im gonna play netball lei! so long never touch a real ball le. kinda excited. =) 

during the past week, i learnt to be less emotionally dependent on someone whom i always thought it felt great n secured to depend on. i know, no 2 person think exactly the same way. for that, i chose to respect his idea. i'll live emotionally independant. i will try. somehow i think i succeed. for at least the past week i guess i have. =) jiayou!